I'm Back and As Surprised As You Are

I honestly never felt anxiety until I left my hometown of Milwaukee in 2020 at the age of 55. Making the decision to leave was hard enough, but COVID-19 made me question my decision. If not for my young adult children kicking me out of the nest, I might not have gone, which means I would not have "circled back," as an entirely new version of myself ready to get back to work in my hometown.

My second coming of age, mid-life sexual awakening, and the most ironic transformative relationship with a younger man had come and gone. I arrived in my beach town of Jacksonville Beach with only what could fit in my car, the proceeds of the house I sold back home, and no idea what I was going to do to earn a living.

It's mysterious, but suddenly, five years later, I felt the urge to move back. The timing happened to coincide with finally finishing my memoir: When Sex Meets God: A Midlive Unraveling. While I answer the question of what happens when sex Meets God, I haven't really written about my five years away from my hometown.

You might enjoy this short story I wrote shortly after I arrived in my beach town in 2020: A Single Moment (Dose of Depth podcast version).

Enjoy this excerpt from Chapter 58 (Regression: A Reminder of Growth) of my memoir. They capture the essence of what happened to me during my first twenty-six months in my beach town. There's a lot that happens in between, and I hope you're interest is piqued enough to buy my book and share it with others who might experience it as solidarity with their midlife journey.

You'll have to let me know if you want a sequel to my memoir. I have many more vulnerable, dramatic, and entertaining stories to tell.

Here you go:

During my twenty-six months in the eclectic beach town, I learned how to cope with intense anxiety as my new self gradually emerged. That’s a story for another book, but I’ll share the highlights. For weeks, I woke up unable to move, unsure how to spend my day. One night, I woke up panicked because I couldn’t remember anything. My distress was only partly eased by a deep knowing that my way of existing in the world was fading.“What do I know for sure that I should do?” was my mantra, and it worked. First, I defended my dissertation online two weeks after moving in; I didn’t even have a dining set. Soon after, I got my second tattoo, a replica of the logo from the Netflix series The 389

Gift. It spoke to me as a symbol of my belief that if there was only wholeness in the beginning, then it is not opposites that are reuniting, but rather a reunion of the same.

As I settled into my new morning ritual, which included walking the beach, the fantasy of reuniting with Jason became an obsession. Everywhere I went, I felt like I saw him in the distance. I would rub my eyes. It couldn’t be. I felt so silly, but I knew better than to dismiss it. Even stranger, one night, at my new hangout—a rooftop bar by the ocean—I felt Phillip’s presence channeling through the musician playing an acoustic guitar. You heard right—Phillip, my former soulmate. I rubbed my eyes repeatedly. The musician looked so much like Phillip that I wondered if he had a secret life as a musician.

What is happening to me?

That night, I felt a presence guiding my fingers with enthusiasm as I typed and sipped from my light pink Cosmo. I turned my Jason fantasy into my first short story, The Fantasy (available for purchase on my website store). Then I wrote another, and another.

Something was changing: Those two men were the antagonists who helped me blossom into a writer. A few weeks later, at that same oceanside bar, I finished a draft of my memoir. I felt like the exploding penis from my dream. I was not only ready this time, but a man was attached to the penis, a former rock star. “Wanna do shots?” I asked him and the other musician who channeled Phillip’s energy.

The former rockstar and I enjoyed many adventures for eight months, and now we’re friends. “Of course you’re dating a rock star,” is all my girlfriend from back home could say, shaking her head and smiling.

That’s not all. I published my first book on depth psychology, titled Your Soul Is Talking. Are You Listening? and launched the Dose of Depth Podcast. As more people sought my guidance to explore different issues, my role as a depth psychology coach began to take shape. That’s a lot of change. My kids also enjoyed visiting their mother in a warm climate.

Then, I became restless again, eager to take another step, but only after returning to my home base.

Want to Learn More?

What do you think? I hope you're intrigued enough to check out my book. It's coming in a few weeks. You can learn more about why I wrote my story by visiting my Writing page.

I've identified six types of readers that might enjoy my book for different reasons. Click here to see the video or here to listen on Dose of Depth Podcast.

Curious about the title? Click here to see me explain why I chose the title: When Sex Meets God or click her to listen on Dose of Depth Podcast.

To get updates, subscribe when the pop-up appears or go to my homepage.

As always, thanks for being a self-reflecting human!

Dr. Deborah