The Hidden Dynamics of Leadership: Why Self-Awareness Matters More Than Most Leaders Realize

Click here to listen to the full recording on the Dose of Depth Podcast.

Click here to watch on my YouTube channel.

Why Does That Bother You?

When I was the executive director for a wonderful nonprofit, my leadership style was to be a detective seeking what was beneath the surface, what wasn't obvious. I prioritized one-on-one conversations with all twenty-four people that I was accountable for. These chats would be casual, always out of the office, many times over a beer or a glass of wine. There was no set agenda except whatever the team member wanted to talk about.

During one of these chats, a program manager wanted feedback on a situation with someone who reported to him. He explained the situation, answered my clarifying questions, and I noticed the tinge of frustration with the employee's behavior.

When he finished, I asked one question: "Why does that bother you?"

He stopped. No one had ever asked him that before.

We went on to have an interesting conversation that led to the program manager becoming aware of something new about himself. This realization shifted his perspective about the situation. The frustration was gone, and he could see things more clearly, ultimately leading to a more effective response to the situation.

Why Traditional Leadership Development Falls Short

Leadership and management require different skill sets and competencies. Often a person who is naturally gifted at one means that they're weaker at the other, but many times, people are assigned a role which requires effectiveness at both. Being adept at strategy, planning, communication, and accountability might be enough if not for the complexity of the individual human being, much less the complexity of group dynamics. This goes for the leader, too!

Here are four tendencies that will get in the way of effective leadership:

• Avoiding conflict. The conflict doesn't disappear if it's ignored. Instead, the root of the conflict simply gathers negative energy and is either projected out onto others inappropriately or internalized and seeps out as passive aggressive responses. Both outcomes negatively impact performance and outcomes.

• Preoccupation with needing approval, validation, or acknowledgement. In the position of executive director I referred to above, I once was complimented by a board member for my directness and how it enhanced my leadership of the board. He shared that in his experience, what held many people back from reaching their leadership potential was their carefulness, their preouccupation with approval by those to whom they reported. Ultimately, untapped potential leads to untapped results.

• Defensiveness. Many people have some kind of authority complex, which means they are already uncomfortable being direct with their boss. A leader should want the truth, yet many are defensive when they get it. This defensiveness decreases the sense of safety for honest conversation, which will negatively impact long-term performance and outcomes.

• Unexpected emotional reactions. Aggressiveness and belligerence is often mistaken for strong leadership, but the truth is these traits reveal deep insecurities within the leader. It's only the authority complex in some that allows this nonsense to be enabled, resulting in a culture of fear, which blocks clear thinking, ultimately limiting performance and results.

Step One: Understanding That Four Conversations Are Always Happening

Science affirms that up to 80% of what's happening in any situation is beneath conscious awareness. Between just two people there are four conversations happening, and this gets more complex with a group.

Whenever a leader thinks they are grasping the situation, there are missing most of what is driving the conflict, misunderstanding, trust, resistance, performance, and co-worker difficulties.

C.G. Jung, one of the founders of depth psychology (the study of the unconscious), suggested there are four conversations happening simultaneously between two people. Current science affirms this in its suggestion that we only see 1% of reality. What determines what we see? We see what matches our assumptions about the world, and unfortumately most of these are unconscious. The brain's reticular activating system filters in the data and stimulus that matches these assumptions and beliefs, most of which are limiting. Worse, our minds are naturally defensive, driven by old and left-over programming from a time when humans had to be on alert for danger.

Today, it is necessary and possible to rewire our brains to transcend the deep beliefs and assumptions that hold us back from achieving our potential. Calling on depth psychology, neuroscience, quantum theory, and spirituality, much of my work with clients is about replacing old limiting patterns of thinking, behaving, and reacting with new, more empowering ones.

For starters, just know that these four conversations are always happening:

• Your conscious mind is speaking to another person's conscious mind. These are the things you're aware of as your're communicating. It's just 20% of what's being communicated.

• Your unconscious is absorbing from the other person what your conscious awareness is missing and same for the other person.

• The unconscious of both of you are communicating without your awareness. It is a literal playground in there.

Learn more by listening to the expanded recording.

Click here to listen on the Dose of Depth Podcast.

Click here to watch on YouTube.

Step Two: Understand the 3P's at Play in All Relationships (Purpose, Projection, Permancence)

After being attuned to the four conversations happening between you and others, my 3P's framework will empower you as a curious detective seeking to solve a puzzle as fast as possible. Click here to read about the origin of my framework. While these three aspects are more prominent in family and romantic relationships, they apply to every encounter no matter how long.

Here's a quick summary. Learn more by listening to or watching the full recording.

• Purpose. It is fascinating that today's neuroscience and quantum theory are affirming C.G. Jung's theories from a hundred years ago, theories developed by observing the effects of the unconscious in individuals and groups. One of these theories is that we attract people and situations meant to get us to explore something in ourselves. Those people and situations can be negative experiences, but they can also elicit new levels of depth, meaning, and ecstasy.

• Projection. We have a unique lens with which we experience the world, and we tend to want others to use the same lens. There's nothing wrong with this, and in fact, projection is how we come to know ourselves. For example, a person who is attracted to people who are wealthier may not realize that their unconscious wants them to explore their own potential to create wealth.

• Permanence. Many people live their lives rooted in fear; they may not even be aware of this. The fear of a relationship ending or losing or leaving a job leads to dishonesty with self or others, ultimately dooming the relationship or career. There's a spiritual saying about bringing about what you fear and what you resist persists. These dynamics are based in science. Paradoxically, not "needing" a relationship to last or a career to continue dissipates the fear, increases honesty and healthy risk taking, and strengthens bonds and skills from working through points of friction. Letting go of the "need" for something to go a certain way and trusting that things will unfold in a way that's best for you, increass the likelihood of getting what you want..

Step Three: Self-Knowledge Beyond the Ego

There are plenty of inventory tools and assessments to go around, but something I've noticed is that often people walk away simply validated rather than having gained meaningful new insights about themselves. In my work with clients, I use tools such as Meyers/Briggs (this is base don C.G. Jung's Theory of Psychological Types), CliftonStrengths, and Love Languages.

A depth psychology perspective means we're purposely seeking to shine a light on the 80% of us we're unaware of. The defensive nature of your mind wants to affirm current belief systems, and remember, most of your operating system is unconscious and negative or limiting. It takes intention to get beyond the defensive mind.

How do we do that?

By inviting the unconscious to the discussion.

The shadow side of all of your traits is the biggest source of growth.

For example, one person I spoke with felt validated that their number one strength was competition. It made sense because he was a successful salesperson, but then, I asked him, "How are you at losing?" He looked down and shared stories of embarrassing events where he was a sore loser.

Much like the first example of my program manager, this led to a meaningful conversation about how his sense of competition developed as a way to navigate a difficult situation in childhood. We all develop patterns that get us into adulthood. Our patterns are neutral until they get in the way, which often happens when we're forced to grow or want to expand in some way.

That's just one example of how I help people explore these self-knowledge tools from a depth perspective. It's more challenging work but the potential outcomes for changing your life are worth the small blow to your ego.

If you haven't taken advantage of these tools, here are links:

Click here to get your psychological type.

Click here for my preferred report for CliftonStrengths (34 report, costs $59).

Click here for Love Languages.

Listen to the full recording on Dose of Depth

Watch on YouTube

Step Four: Conscious Dialogue is Key

Knowing what you now know about the unconscious, you should feel a little distrustful of yourself, which is why having a template that's researched and evidence-based can help you be more effective as a leader to communicate what you mean to communicate.

When clients use my tool, which was adapted from the Start with Heart Principle from the book, Crucial Conversations, the difficult conversation goes better than expected in 100% of cases.

Email me at dlukovich@gmail.com to get an instruction sheet and template for FREE.

The goal of the template is to increase your ability to communicate what you mean in a way that minimizes defensive reactions in the other person and you.

Here is a brief summary of the template:

• I See. Here you start by identifying the objective facts and figures that are not in dispute (.e.g, a series of emails, aspects of an incident, or steps that were taken that got a negative result).

• I Think. In this section, you lay out the natural consequences of the behavior or thinking continuing.

• I Feel. This is the only place for emotions. Often in the workplace, people might feel not listened to, disrespected, belittled, or afraid.

• I Want. This is where Start with Heart comes in. There are four parts to the "I Want" section:

  
  

  • I want for me. Be clear and specific about what you want. For example. "As a leader, I need information. When you withhold information out of fear, it prevents me from making informed decisions."

  
  

  • I want for you. "You should not fear telling me the truth. I want you to feel safe and respected when you must deliver negative data to me."

  
  

  • I want for our working relationship. This is where you grow in your working relationship. I want us to be honest so we can address what might be holding you back from communicating with me.

  
  

  • I want. In this section, you might offer an idea you want to try to resolve the issue, or you might simply say, "I wanted to share my reflections and get your thoughts on a resolution."

What's Next?

The next time you're frustrated with an employee, colleague, board member, co-worker, personal relationship, or other stakeholder, pause before wondering what's wrong with them. Ask: "Why does this bother me?" The answer may reveal the insight that changes how you approach the situation, leading to better results. In the meantime, be sure to listen to or watch the full recording of my thoughts about a depth perspective on leadership.

If you've got a challenge you need help with now, consider the following ways I can help:

• Executive Insight Coaching: For leaders seeking greater self-awareness, influence, and effectiveness. We will explore assessments like psychological type, strengths, and love languages, and I will introduce you to tools like the 3Ps framework to understanding relationships, my version of Start with Heart, and so much more.

• Leadership Team Facilitation: Helping leadership teams uncover hidden dynamics affecting trust, communication, and decision-making. Potential activities include individal and group assessments, workshops focused on navigating conflict, building trust and safety, and communication.

• Organizational Discovery Sessions. I love facilitating exploration designed to uncover what's operating beneath the surface of a challenge, transition, conflict, or opportunity. Examples of focus areas include board challenges, organizational change, employee/stakeholder engagement, strategic transitions, and community intitiaves.

Let's discover what you're not seeing. Learn more at https://www.deborahlukovich.com.

Access free resources, like videos, podcast episodes, blog posts, books, and templates. If you're ready to start a conversation, you can schedule that here: https://www.deborahlukovich.com/leadersandorganizations

When you subscribe to my website and newsletter, you'll receive a FREE download of my last book, Your Soul is Talking. Are You Listening? You can purchase it here on Bookshop.org.

Until next time...

Dr. Deborah